dailydatewithgod

I used to think that in order to be certain about anything I had to be certain about everything.  Somehow in my mind in order to move forward and take action I had to weigh all the factors, have all the information, and know for sure it would work out.  Ha!  No wonder I struggled.  So when I would go ahead despite having what I thought was necessary, I was ready with all kinds of excuses and explanations so I could explain why it didn’t work out.  Only upon encountering others who would shrug and not be bothered by the fact that things did not go as planned did I begin to see how ridiculous the pressure was that I put myself under.  I was worried others would not understand and in order for me to feel safe, you had to approve and the only way you would approve was if you understood.  Is it any wonder I was trying to numb out the pain of life?  Talk about holding other people hostage to my perfectionist ideals because I needed them to understand and approve.  When I got into recovery I learned the distinction between understanding and acceptance.  I learned how to accept things I did not understand and I saw how others did that for me.  They did not understand why my ideas or plans didn’t work out but they accepted that I had put forth my best effort and had the intention to make it work.  Life does not always work out the way we want. In my growing daily relationship with God I have come to accept and even welcome the experiences that do not work out the way I want as evidence that God has something else in mind.  I am meant to meet the people on the stairs instead of the elevator that is not working.  My body is meant to move differently than I planned because the machines I wanted to use are all taken. My lack of acceptance is my unwillingness to be open to God’s plan instead of mine.  Sometimes it is the smallest plans that are hardest to let go of.  I can also think of many things I am grateful did not work out the way I wanted.  I would have missed out on all kinds of adventures and meeting of people.  Being willing to accept that I cannot change what has happened up to this moment regardless of whether I understand it or not is much more freeing than stewing about how it is wrong because I messed it up and didn’t plan well enough.  The real question is even though I cannot understand the mercy of God, am I willing to accept it? Can I accept that God sees me as whole and full of love even when all I see is brokenness and fear?