dailydatewithgod

One thing I have come to learn about myself on this crazy journey called life is my disposition to self-judgment and self-criticism. On the outside, as an obese woman, I used a lot of self-deprecating humor in the hopes of showing I didn’t care what you thought of me (all the while being afraid that all you saw was what I saw).  The funny thing I have learned is as much as we worry about what other people think of us, most of the time, they are not thinking of us.  Plus, how they view us is simply an insight into how they view themselves.  I would be lying if I said I am not just as inclined to be critical of others as I am with myself.  The difference is I can see it, pause, and not to act on it when it comes to others. A deeper level of understanding comes when it alerts me to how I am seeing myself at that moment.  It is, after all, my mind and eyes which are perceiving the other person. The great cosmic joke is that we all judge.  It is part of our nature.  It serves a purpose.  We get so lost in chastising ourselves for it or trying to hide it that we forget that we can choose how we use it and it what context.  It was only in recovery I was able to take a long hard look at how this element of my character in a vain attempt to keep myself from stepping out of line had gotten out of hand.  In my brilliant mind, I figured my self-judgment kept me in good standing, kept me from disappointing people, and kept me from letting the parts of myself which were less than ideal slip out.  What I did not realize is it has the side effect of tension and take myself too seriously.  I marvel these days in the moments when I can laugh at myself.  I have learned through my daily dates with God, the judgment I used to keep myself down does just that but it is not discriminatory.  It will keep down the good and the bad.  I can see how God has changed and softened my heart over the years which makes me more willing to try things out, laugh at myself, and right size my expectations of myself and others.  It is a much better world when I can use my judgment to make a choice when buying something versus whether or not to condemn myself or be disappointed in someone else’s behavior.  There are many layers to this judgment stuff but it is in the small moments when I stop to notice what is happening, the familiar path my conditioned mind wants to go down, and ask God for the help I need to take another path.  With practice, it actually works. Given the human facility for judgment is not going away any time soon, I imagine I will have a whole lifetime of practice (and I know it works because just thinking of that makes me smile).