dailydatewithgod

One of my most influential mentors, when I got into recovery, said something to me repeatedly which lets me know it is important.  Even if she had not repeated it, I still would be recalling it today. While I do not remember it verbatim, the essence of what she said was, “you won’t risk what you can’t recover from.”  There were so many things I did not believe I could recover from in life that I was not willing to risk. When I was in my disease and busy self-loathing and trying to blot out my existence little by little, everything felt risky to me.  I lived in so much fear I was unaware of how much it had become incorporated into my way of being.  There were many things I simply did not know how to do in life, so my choice was to bide my time and hope somehow it got better. Deep inside I knew there were more options.  My belief and relationship with God provided experiences to show me otherwise but they didn’t stick.  My heart was so closed off there was no space for it to land.  In my mind, there were some things I was willing to risk but not if it involved potentially disappointing you or going against what I thought was expected of me.  I was afraid all my stories of who I was on the outside were true of the inside so I could not risk settling down long enough to explore the truth of who I am.  Bringing oneself to a breaking point of discomfort and pain has a way of putting things in perspective.  As I moved into my journey of recovery and developed an open relationship with God through our daily dates, I began to see through the smoke and mirrors.  My actions changed which changed my perspective. Slowly I began to see I was more than who I told myself I was, who others seemed to think I was and that I was not my circumstances.  The heart invites mystery and risk.  As I learned to open my heart to God, get to know the truth of who I am, and stop looking to the world outside me to define me,  my willingness to risk increased.  I could chance to let others in closer.  I could try things out and make mistakes without believing I was a mistake.  I was willing to risk doing things that might make me look like I didn’t know what I was doing or a fool. There was a space in my heart where I was no longer trying to house food and self-loathing.   In this space, my understanding of God in a variety of forms provided the belief that I could risk discovering who I am and who I am being. It is a risk I take in big and small ways every day trusting that no matter what happens I believe God and I are strong enough to recover from the outcome.