dailydatewithgod

When I find myself stuck in thinking or a feeling in my body I get frustrated. It is remarkable to me that I used to be so stuck I simply expanded my body to compensate for the tremendous false reality I was trying so hard to live.  Experiences that I had to keep secret from myself just to survive.  I see now with the lens of compassion that my denial was a protection mechanism. I am grateful I found a way to get through it long enough so I could enter a time and space where I could let it go. Food was the primary tool I had along with self-hatred and I used them to their full potential.  When I got into recovery and starting going on my daily dates with God I learned more tools.  Given my default into self-criticism however, I can sometimes use those very tools to hurt myself.  It is in those moments when I find myself in need of God’s sight which is beyond my own.  God’s vision of me is nothing like a religious or even spiritual one.  It is the energetic embrace of a love which I can barely allow myself to taste it is so powerful.  It is the rainbow that emerges after a storm of thunder and lightning.  It is the breath I takes after jumping in the deep end and hoping I make it to the top before my lungs burst.  There is a life force that God reminds me I am a part of.  It is both outside of my realm of understanding and with my capacity to know I am one with it at the same time.  On my daily dates with God I find myself caressing this experience enough to know that in the moments when I need to be embraced by it, it is just a breath away.  I am not sure why being an incest survivor gave me the opportunity to find and connect with this experience, but I am grateful it does. I suppose in all humility it means I am grateful for the whole of the experience.  Being able to say that in writing means I have found some peace in the madness that is created from trauma.  It gives me hope as I see us all in the world experiencing a collective trauma.  We too will find a way to collectively surpass the pain and trauma in whatever form it presents for us at this time.  I trust that if we are willing to be with it, we and God can transform it into beauty.