dailydatewithgod

I am not quite sure what my aversion to random messiness is.  There is perhaps some sort of emotional pull for me about how I felt about myself growing up.  The crazy thing is that by all appearances there was no mess.  I did well and academically and followed the rules.  I dressed appropriately and fit into standard social norms.  My life appeared be on a projection of a normal life.  The only incongruous piece was my weight.  Or so I thought.  The denial I lived in which saved my life was that everything was fine, I was just fat.  Aside from that not being the true story, being fat is just about the worst thing you can be.  It is one of the highest sins in our culture because it is looked upon as something you can just change.  That may be but for someone like me who used food as a drug for my survival, a simple diet was not going to cure me. Carrying extra weight was the mess I chose to protect myself sexually.  It didn’t work but I was under the illusion that it did.  By meeting other expectations I figured there would be no questions to ask. And since my weight was the only outlying factor, no questions were asked because it was simply an issue of eating better.  No one asked me if I felt unsafe.  No one  stopped to look and notice how much pain I was in.  No one saw the fat as anything more than a will power issue.  Growing up in an incestuous home I learned of the multiple layers of denial. We all have some.  The problem for me came when the food addiction route I chose stopped working and I could no longer run from the truth. Having lost and maintained the weight loss for many years, there is still mess in my life as I walk to freedom in this soul wounding area of my life.  It is not an easy road to accept one’s path especially when its messy but at least now I know the mess for what it is instead of something that masks a deeper hidden reality that no one is talking about. Each day I show up on my prayer and meditation dates with God, my mess, and a willingness to grow in love.  I have come to know that God can use anything.  It is my desire to continue to walk through the mess in God’s hands and live to see the lotus bloom from the mud.