dailydatewithgod

I grew up feeling often like I was hiding.  And if I wasn’t actually hiding I thought I was supposed to be hidden.  Based on my experiences I assumed people did not want to hear what I had to say.  I thought if I kept my mouth shut everything would somehow go away.  When that didn’t work food allowed me to escape along with TV and sleep.  I certainly had moments of feeling alive but mostly I felt as though I was just trying to get through.  I remember around age 20 thinking, maybe it just doesn’t get any better than this.  I was severely depressed at the time and while I did get professional help and enough relief to keep moving forward, my deepest shadows still remained hidden.  It was not a conscious effort on my part to stay hidden, it was my best bet for survival.  There was no space to talk about what was really going on.  There was no one who I thought would listen until I got into recovery.  The magic of 12 step rooms is in one’s opportunity to experience authentic expression and acceptance for one’s authenticity at the same time.  Just even having three minutes in a meeting to stand up and say what I was feeling and no one interrupting me was an earth shattering experience.  It was the gift I didn’t know I so desperately needed until I made my way there.  If I could have traveled a less demoralizing path to get there, perhaps I would have, but that is not my story.  Upon my willingness to face myself, my shadows, and let go of the one thing that I thought was saving me-food, I found a way out of the darkness.  It has given me the courage to face the deeper darker shadows of incest and self-degradation.  I realize it wasn’t a lack of effort or desire on my part to bring the shadows to light, it simply was not time until it was time.  God knew when I would be ready to face up to the darkest stories of my life and let go of those that no longer serve me.  My experiences, while not unique, may seem extreme.  Yet it is the little shadows still lingering that can take me out just as easily.  It is the inclination to distance myself from someone who looks, acts, or believes different from me.  It is the forgetfulness to see another person’s innocence when they are annoying me or not doing what I want them to do.  Those are just latent elements of my shadow which wants to hide and protect my heart.  Those are the times when I need God’s help to return me to the truth of my heart.  With a reminder to breath, I remember that in the deepest part of the core of who I am, there is only light and it is the same with whomever or whatever I am facing in the moment.

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