dailydatewithgod

When we stand back and take a look at our lives we get a sense of where our dedication lies.  How we spend our time, what we fill our minds with, and the ways we choose to grow all speak of our dedications.  Some are obvious on the outside, but not all of them.  If you were to evaluate the conversation in my head before I got into recovery you would think I was dedicated to self-annihilation through judgment and insult.  If you looked at how I ate and abused my body you would see the same dedication.  I would not have described it as self-destruction.  I saw it as self-preservation.  I think we are dedicated to what will preserve our survival.  It is part of our design.  It is a blessed part of our design but as incest survivor my instincts went awry. We hold on so tight to the ways we have learned to survive because we are certain it is the only way to go.  It had to get really bad before I was willing to consider another option.  The reality is I was not aware that my dedication to survival was the cause of my pain.  My mind was stuck in a time frame and series of circumstances that no longer existed.  I had learned early on to adapt and just never stopped.  The breakdown of my survival mechanisms of food and body hatred ended up being the best thing for me. This recovery path has been an enlightening and harrowing process that continues to move forward.  God knew within me existed a dedication of my spirit to my wholeness.  The breakdown allowed for some new light to come in and see the innocence within my own heart.  She is dedicated to my survival as a vessel of light and love.  He understood the importance of leading me gently away from my version of survival to a place where I could dedicate myself to the survival of love through me.