dailydatewithgod

I have always had a curious mind. As a kid even if I didn’t ask my questions out loud, there was no shortage of them in my head.  What I didn’t understand for a long time is that while contemplation is very helpful it has its limits.  Thinking about something and doing something pale in comparison.  Thinking about it generates more thoughts and feelings. Those are important but often the answers I am seeking can only come from attempting an action and getting reactions.  I feared attempting certain things because I thought I needed to know how it was going to turn out.  My framework around failure or disappointment was such that if it happened it defined me.  A messed up attempt that someone else might learn something from would instead tell you who I was.  The messages I heard in my mind were that I am a failure and  I am a disappointment,.  I marveled at people who lived by the motto that it is better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.  My goal, thought not consciously, was to not need anything for which I would need to be forgiven.  It is a very restrictive way to live.  Once in a while I would step out of that but at my core I was striving for a sense of safety which seemed to be lacking.  One could say that my life up until I got into recovery was about surrounding myself with facades of safety one of which was to not fail and to not disappoint. In recovery I learned I cannot think my way into right action, but I can act my way into right thinking. As I began to build an authentic relationship with God on our daily dates I saw that God’s love and acceptance of me did not waver no matter how many failures or disappointments occurred.  God sees life through the lens of learning.  My perception is that God is excited when we are attempting.  When I am attempting, I am opening the door to learning.  It is not about the result, it is about attempting to get some result so I have something from which to learn.