dailydatewithgod

Most people including myself do not revel in the idea of being in conflict.  Yet I find the phrase, what you resist persists very applicable to conflict.  The more I make a practice of pushing it  away or trying to avoid it, the more conflict I eventually find myself in. I am familiar with self-conflict.  I picked it up as a coping mechanism as a child when I needed a way to keep the peace of the people around me.  When our sense of safety is on the line, we will do whatever it takes to make sure we can create it.  If it is not there, we find a way to establish it.  Growing up was a very mixed experience as it is for most of us.  This meant modulating between times that felt okay and other times that were a complete lack of safety. Yet because of the dynamics present, it was clear to me that I could not rely consistently on the tools of my parents to provide the kind of safety that worked for me.  Yet, they did provide the safety of food, shelter, and emotional connection when it was there. I learned to be cautious when I was getting what I needed because it came at a cost.  I couldn’t fully allow myself to let go into it because I didn’t know when things would change.  So I learned when the conflict arose to do what I could to keep it from happening by compromising what I needed.  I disregarded my own thoughts and feelings and went along with theirs. After all, what were my options?  I do not blame my parents, they were doing the best they could because it was what they knew.  We cannot give of something we haven’t got.  I figured I could handle the conflict within me better than the potential bad outcome of conflict with others.  Yet,  I had my moments and my temper tantrums because after a while I could not even quiet the conflict inside myself.  What is important is what I do with it today.  Today I have learned because of my daily dates with God to sit in discomfort. This allows me to notice with less judgment when conflict arises around me and within me.  In the moment of breath when I pause I can choose how I want to react.  Next, I can question what is going on.  Is it truly a conflict or discomfort?  Do I need to take action with another person or just myself?  I can ask God how she sees the situation.  But if I run from the conflict or squash it down within me, I will not grow from it.  It is not an easy process to undo our patterns of long practiced behaviors, but with God anything is possible.