dailydatewithgod

It is hard to imagine how something as irritating as frustration could be a useful tool.  In being open to how God see’s things I find I am willing to take a second or third look at an experience or idea I have held for a long time.  My experience around feelings in general as I was growing up were not pleasant.  The “bad” feelings, that is.  Anger is one in particular that sent up red flags.  Most women are socialized to not feel anger let alone express it.  As a kid even into my early teen years I used to throw temper tantrums mostly in my bedroom.  I had no idea what to do with all the anger inside of me.  And one day I decided I was tired of what I felt like was wearing my heart on my sleeve and I closed off.  I developed a highly sarcastic attitude which I later came to see as nice people’s anger.  Years later I would find myself diagnosed with clinical depression and would take medication which helped.  Basically I was turned off from my feelings and the only thing I felt was numb.  My response to being asked how I was feeling was either “fine” or “hungry” (at least the response in my head).  Living in recovery and not eating over things brings the feelings front and center.  To live as a sober person required some new tools for handling the ups and downs of feelings.  It is a process I presume will continue for the rest of my life.  Even years after not numbing out with food, as I dove deeper to heal the incest wounds, I discovered greater depths of anger and pain.  I never thought I would say that I look forward to feeling but I do.  God and all those around me who have shown me what it means to be a healthy human being, helped me to see that to feel is to know I am alive.  Feelings are not facts but they do serve as indicators of a deeper awareness.  I have learned to channel my anger in healthy ways.  I am no longer hurting myself or unintentionally hurting others by my attitude and distance.  I don’t shy away from riding the wave of the feeling and allowing it to flow through me.  I now see when I am feeling angry versus feeling I am angry.  By default then I can feel frustrated, irritated, or pissed off and not think I am a bad person who needs to shut it down.  God gave us all our feelings and when I am overwhelmed by them instead of throwing a tantrum I can take a breath, connect to my heart and give them to God. Show me how you want me to use this?  How do you see my feelings of anger?