dailydatewithgod

God is within.  Before I took a chance on slowing my life down long enough to take a good look at it I was living at the effect of everyone and everything around me.  My whole existence centered around surviving which meant vacillating between battling my inner demons and numbing out from them.  Deep down I had this belief that I had somehow messed up so irreversibly that I could never make it up.  Being the persistent type of person that I am meant I was going to die trying.  Unfortunately my version of trying required a lot of numbing out.  By all appearances life wasn’t that bad.  I was just an obese young woman slowly killing herself with food to cover up the sadness, anger, and fear despite my faith in God.  It wasn’t until I could no longer keep moving forward on this trajectory.  I could no longer lie to myself that I would eventually figure it out.  I had enough sense of God because of some spiritual experiences even as a little kid, but I wasn’t sure they were enough to hold on. Looking back I realize that entering into recovery was God’s answer to my plea years before that to show me what I was doing to push God away.  God wanted me home in my heart as much as I wanted it.  God no longer wanted to see me run and abandon myself because God saw and continues to see me as the whole and beautiful bundle of love created out of love.  Today my life looks nothing like it did physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually 14 years ago. It also looks nothing like I thought it would.  The one thing that grounds me is my daily meditation dates with God.  In that space I get to renew my commitment to be at home in my heart, just for today with each breath in and out.  Then as I go through my day I can return home to my heart by taking a conscious breath in and out.  I never would have guessed it could be that simple.

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