I remember when I recognized that my attempt to prove myself for whatever reason were not only futile but a masking for the fact that what I wanted was approval from you. You being anyone I perceived as knowing more, being more, having more, or doing more. In my mind, nothing about me was enough or right. My need for validation from those outside myself led me to further discount what I thought and felt about things. Even when I would voice my opinion I was careful to watch your reaction and see how it was being received. I would then modulate my voice, cut myself off, or talk quicker to get it out before you stopped listening all together. I learned early on that there was no room for what I was thinking or feeling, especially if it was strong. Right or wrong it was not part of the template of the house I grew up in. I was clearly not a good match in that environment. I had big feelings and thoughts and the few times I attempted to express them were met with inconsistent reactions. I wasn’t able to gauge much more than perhaps what I thought and felt didn’t matter. Eventually I chose to just turn into myself more and further mask what I really thought and felt. This led me down the path of addiction because don’t you know food is really good at keeping your quiet and when you are severely obese, you are practically invisible in the world. It wasn’t until I was stripped of my coping mechanism of food and body destruction that I found myself face to face again with what I think and feel. It is not an easy path to reclaim my voice and unearth the layers placed on top of my heart. The consistency of my daily date with God and making time for the presence with my breath and my body no matter what has shown me how to mend my relationship with myself little by little. I started to see that the proof I was approved of by the one who Created me was present in my breath. If I am breathing then I am here for a reason and it is enough. It is a daily process as some of those practices die hard but it is possible. We all have experiences where we lose ourselves and we can all make it back to our own hearts if we wish. God has shown me one day at a time that we are living proof of enoughness because God says so. And who’s voice is more powerful than God’s?
My prayer for us is the courage to notice today that our breath is proof of our being, doing, having, and knowing enough today.
