dailydatewithgod

When I think about the Christmas story.  It begins rather horrendously: a child born to an unwed mother;  a father who opted to take his betrothed into his house despite him not being the father instead of having her stoned to death; and shortly after his birth in a stable his family had to flee the country or he would be killed.  Yet Jesus still managed to grow up and carry out his mission.  If one were looking for omens, the beginning of his life would not predict a successful outcome.  It is as though there were all these opposing forces to him even having the chance of making it in one piece through his first year of life, let alone go on to carry out his mission of love and forgiveness.  Perhaps the way that Jesus was protected through warnings and angels is a sign that we are protected the same way.  When God’s will is meant to be, it is meant to be, end of story.  It is clearly not smooth sailing or without adversity, but aligning ourselves with God gives us a fighting chance that the mission of our hearts will win out.  God offers the protection of our hearts.  As far as we know Jesus did not spend his life being bitter or cruel to those who sought to bring him harm.  Quite the reverse he preached a message of forgiveness as many times as needed and then some.  Despite his disparaging beginnings God protected his heart which encapsulated his mission so it would be able to carry on.  And because of the adversity experienced, it makes his message that much more powerful.  I find comfort in knowing and having experienced my heart under the protection of God.  I remember it when I am able to see that despite my own disparaging beginnings, I am connected to my wholeness and the love in my heart which is as close as my breath.

I am not sure if it is a growing sensitivity that I have as I get older or if it is a renewal of my sensitive nature that I squashed as a young child in order to protect myself, but the more awake and alive I attempt to show up in the world, the more I am impacted by what I see and experience.  There is a sensitivity to the energy that is in spaces in between people, the breaths in between thoughts, and the silence in my connection with God.  I used to think it was a sign of something wrong.  As though this in between space meant not enough was happening and trouble was looming.  I can see where I have experienced this in my life, especially at a young age.  Now that I am willing to let go of my childhood reality and step into a mature relationship with reality (at least the best I can), I can tolerate the in betweens, the pauses, the silences.  It is a discipline developed from my daily prayer and meditation date with God.  It doesn’t mean I fully accept it but I am less alarmed by it.  I am more likely to believe that it is possible that the in between might bring about good as well as challenges.  It makes life more breathable.  More than anything I know in my heart that the in between is God unseen and unheard but nothing can erase God.  God waits patiently for me to look to the side or up or refocus my eyes.  I am the one who can writhe my hands in frustration or want to get out of it, but I see now that is a protection device.  There is ebb and flow to everything and the moments in between the ebb and the flow are just as precious and necessary as the two sides they bridge.

The energy force of life that guides us from a place of infinite intelligence within us is an experience that we are sometime in touch with.  The power of our being the person we are meant to be emanates from this force of love.  It is the complete and ultimate energy of love that moves all of life forward one step at a time.  In order to tap into this power we must take a closer look.  It is not about getting it so we can used to what we want to achieve in life.  It is about connecting with it so we can remember who we really are and why we are here.  As this year comes to a close many of us are wondering what will next year bring?  How can I operate from a space of power?  What steps do I need to take in order to be connected with the truth of who I am?  Clearly the world around us is always moving forward.  I believe that deep down we all long for an expanded experience and deep inner knowing of what it means to be loved.  In the deep recesses of our hearts and our minds speaks the language of love so powerful.  Our soul sings the song daily even though we have forgotten how to carry a tune.  Yet our hearts still beat and each morning our eyes open.  God, how do you see me?  What role might I be able to play in the powerful position of love today?  I believe I am ready to know the inner workings of my spirit from which I was created.  Help me to let go of the stories and the barriers that stand in the way of my love’s sight.  I want to know this for myself so that I can take the hand from you to my heart and then to my fellow human being walking next to me.  Show me the power of your love and where within me it has been forgotten. 

I never fully understood the point of having more questions than answers.  Then again, my answers are not always that which lead me to peace.  My head means well when it provides an answer, but often I am left with little room to breathe and be in that answer.  Growing up it seemed as though everyone around me had mastered some sort of handle on life that I missed.  Perhaps the book I got was missing pages.  I have come to realize that I was following a playbook that was given to me and instead of asking for directions on how to read it, I made up my own.  This is not a bad idea but lived in the extreme leads to a sense of futility and being a victim.  I seemed to keep getting it wrong and after a time I didn’t think I could ask questions.  I told myself they were stupid questions and I should just know.  But I forgot to ask myself the most fundamental question, “how would I possibly know something I have never experienced before?”  It isn’t even logical.  I didn’t realize that the people who gave me the play book for life simply passed down what was given to them and probably didn’t ask many questions either.  There is nothing like brushing up against the reality of darkness to wake you up to the need to switch things up.  This path of being awake led me to people and places that questioned all kinds of things.  One of the most resounding ideas I have learned following my current play book is to allow for all things to be questioned.  They may change my ideas about myself or life or stay the same, but it is about coming to my own sense of peace around whatever it is.  At the end of the day, it is me and God.  No one else is going to be able to play out my life.  Accepting the wonder and mystery that comes from being able to question all things, even whether it is the right time to question something, leads to life that is livable and breathable.  Sometimes the simplest question I can ask God is, “What do you think is possible here?”

There is this physical element of being in relationship with God where I can sense that I am surrounded by love. It is not a constant feeling but I have had it enough time to begin to recognize it.  At first it caught me by surprise because it sounds like it would be as though one was enclosed from the outside by this feeling. Instead it is a sense of warmth that resonates from my heart.  It is as though God wants me to know that my heart is always protected by the love in which it was created.  I am able to connect to it when I focus on my heart and breathe into it.  Again, it doesn’t happen every time, but when I feel as though I am surrounded outside of me by energy that feels unsafe or uncomfortable, I can draw my attention to my heart and visualize light.  Sometimes it helps to imagine the glowing light of a candle inside my heart. As I intentionally stay focused on the sense of warmth and protection from within grows.  I think we all have this capability.  It is something that I came across by accident in my date time with God.  As part of my search to expand my meditation toolkit, I found myself piecing together things I learned from various traditions and teachers.  It is not easy to maintain my focus there but if I am able to do so for just a moment, I am brought back to center.  It keeps me from defaulting to the belief that I am unsafe and need to be protected from the world.  When I feel that way, I want to close off my heart.  It is as though God is telling me to lean into the warmth of God’s presence in my heart and be surrounded by an impenetrable force.  As I walk through deeper levels of my recovery as an incest survivor, I connect with the wounded little girl inside of me who needs to know more than anything that there is and always has been a surrounding of love around our heart.  No matter what happened or can happen, it cannot be overcome by anything.  The presence of love is in me in such a deep way that one day it will radiate so much that it will surround me completely.