dailydatewithgod

I remember when I recognized that my attempt to prove myself for whatever reason were not only futile but a masking for the fact that what I wanted was approval from you.  You being anyone I perceived as knowing more, being more, having more, or doing more.  In my mind, nothing about me was enough or right. My need for validation from those outside myself led me to further discount what I thought and felt about things.  Even when I would voice my opinion I was careful to watch your reaction and see how it was being received.  I would then modulate my voice, cut myself off, or talk quicker to get it out before you stopped listening all together.  I learned early on that there was no room for what I was thinking or feeling, especially if it was strong.  Right or wrong it was not part of the template of the house I grew up in.  I was clearly not a good match in that environment.  I had big feelings and thoughts and the few times I attempted to express them were met with inconsistent reactions.  I wasn’t able to gauge much more than perhaps what I thought and felt didn’t matter.  Eventually I chose to just turn into myself more and further mask what I really thought and felt.  This led me down the path of addiction because don’t you know food is really good at keeping your quiet and when you are severely obese, you are practically invisible in the world.  It wasn’t until I was stripped of my coping mechanism of food and body destruction that I found myself face to face again with what I think and feel.  It is not an easy path to reclaim my voice and unearth the layers placed on top of my heart.  The consistency of my daily date with God and making time for the presence with my breath and my body no matter what has shown me how to mend my relationship with myself little by little.  I started to see that the proof I was approved of by the one who Created me was present in my breath. If I am breathing then I am here for a reason and it is enough.  It is a daily process as some of those practices die hard but it is possible.  We all have experiences where we lose ourselves and we can all make it back to our own hearts if we wish.  God has shown me one day at a time that we are living proof of enoughness because God says so.  And who’s voice is more powerful than God’s?

There is something very sacred about the way God knows us.  It is deep within our hearts a sense of being known wholly and completely.  In this space of cherishing and innocence lives a light that guides us in ways we can’t even imagine.  It is the sometimes seemingly snuffed out flame that still flickers of hope.  It is the element activated when we pause and take a deep breath.  It is the intimate knowledge in all of our cells taking in that breath that something had a hand in designing every itty bitty element of ourselves.  The sense of being known by God is what propels us to take one more step, one more breath, believe one more time and find the courage to ask for help.  On our daily dates I sometimes get a sense of this but often it hits me at a random moment through the day like the way sun catches your eye when you turn a corner.  All of a sudden you are held captive by this energy force which is present to you and you to it.  It is hard to describe probably because God is hard to describe and if I could it would not be God.

It is hard to imagine that we are able to miss out on things that you would think we would be aware of.  Often we miss out because our brains have already configured what it deems important to notice and what is not.  It is a beautiful design of being human that we are able to process so much in our brain but if we were conscious of it all we would most likely go insane.  We think our world is full of distractions now, imagine if you noticed every nuance of every sound or sight?  I think my head would explode.  The fact that my brain does this for me allows me to choose what I focus on.  If I do not make choices the automatic pilot will set into motion and most likely I will be thinking the same things all day long like an endless loop. On our daily dates God has taught me the value of slowing down and choosing to focus on one thing and notice all the other things go through my mind.  It is a powerful skill and it applies not just to my spiritual life but to my capability to be effective period.  I have no idea what I will react to or have a lot of energy about unless I can realize where my mind is going from one moment to the next.

In an effort to make our way in the world we spend a fair amount of time distinguishing ourselves from others.  On top of that our brains are naturally inclined to categorize things into what makes them separate.  These are excellent qualities and help us to get in touch with who we are, what we like, and to what we are drawn.  The down side is we tend to forget to look for the similarities.  When we encounter other people we are more likely to notice the differences between us and them.  The reality is we are much more similar than we realize.  If we spent a bit more time focusing on the union of us with ourselves the world would probably be a more peaceful place. Sometimes all it takes is the slightest recognition of similarity between us and the one person who is annoying us or angering us, to shift how we see them.  I often ask God to show me how God sees this person.  I know deep down we were all created by and for the same purpose of love.  If I am not able to see the union perhaps it is because I have developed blinders on my eyes.  It can take a long time depending on how separate I see myself from another but if I am at least willing to conceive that there is a union between me and them, God can make the great divide seem like one step.