dailydatewithgod

God is within.  Before I took a chance on slowing my life down long enough to take a good look at it I was living at the effect of everyone and everything around me.  My whole existence centered around surviving which meant vacillating between battling my inner demons and numbing out from them.  Deep down I had this belief that I had somehow messed up so irreversibly that I could never make it up.  Being the persistent type of person that I am meant I was going to die trying.  Unfortunately my version of trying required a lot of numbing out.  By all appearances life wasn’t that bad.  I was just an obese young woman slowly killing herself with food to cover up the sadness, anger, and fear despite my faith in God.  It wasn’t until I could no longer keep moving forward on this trajectory.  I could no longer lie to myself that I would eventually figure it out.  I had enough sense of God because of some spiritual experiences even as a little kid, but I wasn’t sure they were enough to hold on. Looking back I realize that entering into recovery was God’s answer to my plea years before that to show me what I was doing to push God away.  God wanted me home in my heart as much as I wanted it.  God no longer wanted to see me run and abandon myself because God saw and continues to see me as the whole and beautiful bundle of love created out of love.  Today my life looks nothing like it did physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually 14 years ago. It also looks nothing like I thought it would.  The one thing that grounds me is my daily meditation dates with God.  In that space I get to renew my commitment to be at home in my heart, just for today with each breath in and out.  Then as I go through my day I can return home to my heart by taking a conscious breath in and out.  I never would have guessed it could be that simple.

God flows. Each moment we are alive there is a fluctuation that is occurring within our bodies.  It is the fluctuation of our breath.  In and out.  In and out. It is not only happening inside of us but all around us.  Everything in nature fluctuates.  All systems of industry and commerce fluctuate.  People’s ideas fluctuate.  This movement of energy is a constant.  The fluctuation is the evidence that everything changes.  Learning to be in the flow of this energy is what gives us our freedom.  We are diseased when we try to take reality and make it some sort of static way of being.  We are trying to fight reality when we want to stop the fluctuation.  Yes, it can be scary to fluctuate and think there is nothing we can hold on to.  But what if it is equally exciting?  What if, God is here to take our hand and walk through the fluctuations with us?  What if God is the constant presence bringing us back again and again to the truth of who we are at our core? God is the center of our being that remains unchanged by any fluctuation.  Being a part of the fluctuation is about the exploration of life all the while knowing deep within that we cannot be unfluctuated by anything.

God oversees.  In our invitation from God to be in relationship we are being asked to open our eyes to see more than what we are currently able to see.  The gracious Creator who has designed an entire world wants to open our hearts and our minds to the infinite possibilities that lay at our feet.  It is hard to let go of what we think we know and take a chance on what God has to offer.  Sometimes wonder if at the end of this life I might have wished that I took a few more chances on God.  I have crossed over into a time in my life facilitated by living in recovery which means many things for me. It means not trying to slowly kill myself with food.  It means not walking around with a seemingly protective physical garb of an extra 100 plus pounds.  It means not trying to squash every physical and sexual feeling or thought that I have because I think I am dirty.  Most of all it means one day at a time I believe like God that I am worth taking a chance on.  I am worth not abandoning.  I too have a love so great within me that if I were to live to be a thousand years old, I might begin to get an inkling of what it means to be love.  I am filled with gratitude for my Creator’s infinite wisdom and persistence knowing one day I might just be willing to reach out my hand and say, “Okay God, let’s take a chance today.”